Jumpin' on the Bandwagon...

We are all so damn organized with our categorical updates, haha. Good move, Shara. And now I will follow suit because I like order. I have been meaning to update, there's lots to tell, particularly in the love life section. Before I start though, I have to say that I MISS YOU GUYS A LOT. I love my independent lifestyle here in Japan, but I get really nostalgic for eating dinner with you guys, calling you at a moment's notice for someone to talk to, going to Borders and putzing around. Ahh, man. Anyway, keep up the updates, I'm so proud to hear about what everyone is doing. Shara and Dee, work sounds quite daunting and I'm like a super-proud mama, I can't believe you guys are doing the work that you're doing! Katie, hearing about your job makes me a) glad that I'm teaching in Japan where the kids bow to me and don't ever complain, not in english anyway... but also b) nostalgic for kids who speak fluent english and are adorable and nearly wet themselves on a daily basis. I know how to deal with that, haha!

Anyway, here goes...

Work: is great. The days go by really quickly. Teaching is the usual, lots of "repeat after me" and english games and reading things out loud and correcting pronunciation. It seems really tedious but I'm happy to do it, if for nothing else so that these kids have exposure to a foreigner and natural sounding english. I get so happy when my kids can answer "How are you today?" with an answer other than "I'm fine thank you and how are you?" I got the best answer last week when I was doing warm up questions and asked "What instrument do you play?" and after getting the usual piano, guitar, etc. one kid raised his hand and said, "I play air guitar" and proceeded to do so. It was fabulous, I just love these kids. I just wish I could say all the things I want to say to them, if not for that language barrier.

School: I get to add this category because I'm taking that Japanese language course. Not to toot my own horn but I'm pretty damn amazed at how much Japanese I've picked up in my two months here. Considering that I knew absolutely nothing before coming here and started studying only on the plane ride over, I think I've learned a lot. I can get around pretty easily now ordering food, getting directions, having the most basic of conversations. There's still tons to learn of course and I want to be able to get the point where the Japanese just comes out of my mouth without thought, but being here where I HAVE to use what I learn in class immediately after really helps. Besides Japanese conversation I started taking ikebana, which is Japanese flower arrangement, nothing like putting bouquets together. It's all about angles and displaying the natural beauty of the flower/branch as a singular object. Here's a picture of my arrangement from last week.

I don't really understand why certain angles are important or what it all means (I'm sure the teacher explained it but I didn't understand...) but basically how it works is that she demonstrates, we follow suit, and then she comes around and moves stuff like one degree and declares it perfect. Hmm. All I know at this point is that there are supposed to be elements in each arrangement that represent humankind, earth, and heaven. You can tell me how you see that in my ikebana because I have no idea. I love it though, it's really fun.

Family: All's well. Nothing new or exciting except that they miss me a lot. I gotta say that I while I miss them all I miss Geng the most, just because I wish I was there to do things like help her get ready for homecoming (she went alone/with Nikki Webber), go to Target on the weekends and spend waaay too much time and money there on things I don't need, etc.

Love Life: Okay, so here's where it all gets complicated. This may not make any sense because it barely makes sense to me right now, but I'll try to explain. You're probably going to think I'm a horrible person but I'll try to explain myself and maybe it will make sense. So, since I got to Japan, I have to admit that I hadn't really missed Scott that much. I don't know what happened because he's the sweetest guy and we have four years of history behind us, but something happened when I got here and I felt suffocated, despite the fact that he is continents away. I am enjoying my newfound independence, not having to answer to anyone, and I guess having to be home at a certain time to call Scott or constantly worrying about him worrying about me was a bit stifling. On top of that, a couple of weeks ago, I got pretty trashed on a Friday night out with a bunch of other JETs in the city and made out with this guy named Steve from South Carolina (a fellow JET), who previously I had been somewhat attracted to because of his awesome personality and cute Southerness. I told Scott of course, who was crushed, but the whole situation made me wonder why it happened. Why was I so attracted to Steve and not thinking about Scott? I went through lots of ideas, like maybe because proximity is important in a relationship, or maybe because after 4 years it was getting sort of meh with Scott, or the fact that all of a sudden, after meeting tons of new and different people the thought of settling down with Scott for the rest of my life scared me? I still don't know why I feel this way, because I feel like I should be happy with the perfect relationship I have waiting back home, but for some reason, it feels too perfect, too easy. I don't know how to explain that. Anyway, Scott came to visit last week and just left today, and we went to Kyoto together, and it was fun because we know each other so well and got along of course, but it was sort of rote and not exciting anymore to be with him. It's weird because I didn't get excited when I picked him up from the airport but I wept bitterly when he left this morning. I just can't explain how I feel.

Anyway, it was left relatively unresolved. I told him everything that I felt and asked if we should take a break until I get back to America. It's crazy because I never thought I'd be the person to ask for something like that, especially because I used to always wonder how people who'd been together for so long can just break up. He refused and said he wasn't going down without a fight and so we're still together but I told him that if something happened again I would be honest with him and I think to be fair that we should take a hiatus. He asked if I could just be faithful and it was weird because, as awful as this sounds, I didn't want to have to agree to that. This is not to say that I'm going to go out there and hook up with everything that moves, but right now I just want to be single and just enjoy traveling and hanging out with friends with no pressure of having to take care of someone or worrying about love. I know it sounds really selfish but I feel like this is my last chance to be selfish before I do commit myself to someone, whoever it is. It's weird because I know Scott can take really good care of me but meeting all these new guys is kind of exhilirating. And when I say meet I meet platonically, not in a biblical sense, yenno. I'm just so conflicted right now and wish I knew what to do. I want everything to go perfectly and make the right decisions, but I can't deny the feelings I have. I talk to Steve a couple times a week on the phone just to chat and I usually see him in the city on the weekends when the JETs go out, but I definitely want to lay low right now. I just want to focus on being independent. I hope this all makes sense, and I apologize if it doesn't.

Wow this is crazy long. Anyway, I hope you guys don't think too badly of me, it's just a weird time in my life right now. I don't know if it's because I'm in Japan or if I'm a bad person or if it was bound to happen eventually. Any feedback would be much appreciated. I love you ladies a lot and miss you just as much as I miss Mexican food and a good crunch baguette. And that's a lot.